Last
night I was watching an episode of Downton Abbey, season 3. (last year's season).
One of the daughter's died of eclampsia after childbirth. Oh my, her blue
face...it immediately threw flashbacks of Nolan into my mind,
turning blue and going limp last July 15th during his anaphylactic
reaction.
Panic ensued. I was hot and sweaty, thought I was going to
throw up.
He almost died. Again.
Stopping the "what if" thoughts is such work sometimes.
What if he had died...what if he does die...it will happen again, it is only a matter of time...
I
haven't had this come up in a while, it really took me by surprise and
threw me for a loop. It is just so intense.
Anyway, I am hugging him extra close again today, as that reminder was all too real for me.
He is so very special; life is so very precious.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Sunday, February 9, 2014
My Writing Story
At first glance I was tempted to say I started writing when the
4th of our 6 children was suffering from debilitating eczema. I wanted to chronicle all that we were doing,
to keep track and to be able to remember what worked and what didn’t. It was 2006, and I had a much-neglected
blog on homeschoolblogger.com so I just used that. But when I began to really think and search my writing
history, I realized that my love of writing started much earlier in life.
It’s funny how easily we can forget things when life
happens. This past summer we moved
from the suburbs to “the country”.
Kind of by choice, mostly by necessity - that’s a whole other
story. But as I was moving boxes
around in our very-old-but-new-to-us home, I came across a few boxes labeled
“memories”, which had not been opened since the last time we moved 8 years prior. I broke the seal of packing tape and
found the box was full of notebooks.
Upon leafing through them I realized many were my old prayer journals. Journals I’d kept, but forgotten about. Journals from before becoming a wife
and mother.
As I read these journals I was astounded by the depth of
what I’d written; the depth of my relationship with God; the time I invested in
pouring out my soul to Him on paper each day. I could hardly remember that being part of my life. But I did begin to remember. I did love to write much earlier in
life than I thought.
I think the beginning of my love of writing was my junior
year of high school. I started out
in the “advanced” literature class.
But I was so intrigued by my classmates in the “normal” composition
class, carrying around those plain black composition notebooks that just looked
so interesting to me. I don’t know
how long it took, but I did eventually drop the advanced class to join the
ranks of the non-advanced, and I got my own prized composition notebook and
began writing. We were required to
complete 3 journal entries a week.
I’d never been much of a journaler before. But this, I loved!
And I found the other writing assignments that year to be so
enjoyable. It was never “work” to
do English composition homework, though challenging. It was fun!
That teacher both inspired and encouraged my writing.
I hadn’t intended to put down my pen, but it happened. The kids came fast and furious, and by
the time we had our 4th in less than 5 years, I’d forgotten I’d ever
written much at all. I’d lost my
writing self, my voice, among many other pieces of myself. Our 4th child, with his 24/7
pain and itching, required me to give what little of me I had left. But I did re-kindle that love of
writing because of what we suffered through together. After he began to get better, I continued to write.
Over the years since then our family has faced crisis after crisis. As I’ve written about our experiences here and there I’ve had more and more people encourage me to write a book some day. Until last year I always brushed it off, taking it more as flattery than anything else. But the crises and challenges of the last 2 years especially have awakened a new writing desire in my heart. Not so much the crises and challenges, but the overcoming. The hope and joy and peace I’ve found in the midst of what often feels like my world crashing down around me. These are the things I want to share, because my life experience has taught me that we are not alone in our struggles - even the darkest ones. Everyone has their battles, and most of us keep them well hidden. My desire is to write about what I have overcome so that others can know they are not alone and they, too, can have the peace, hope and joy that I have found - regardless of circumstance.
Over the years since then our family has faced crisis after crisis. As I’ve written about our experiences here and there I’ve had more and more people encourage me to write a book some day. Until last year I always brushed it off, taking it more as flattery than anything else. But the crises and challenges of the last 2 years especially have awakened a new writing desire in my heart. Not so much the crises and challenges, but the overcoming. The hope and joy and peace I’ve found in the midst of what often feels like my world crashing down around me. These are the things I want to share, because my life experience has taught me that we are not alone in our struggles - even the darkest ones. Everyone has their battles, and most of us keep them well hidden. My desire is to write about what I have overcome so that others can know they are not alone and they, too, can have the peace, hope and joy that I have found - regardless of circumstance.
--
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
On making it through {on-going} hard times
Tonight after clicking on the blogger button for the first time in almost 2 months, I read the title of my last post - the "end" of the long winter...2013. I had to laugh. I guess it's true, because it is no longer 2013, though it is the same winter. I certainly had hope when I wrote those words that it was the end of that very challenging time, but the truth would be known sooner rather than later that for a house the size of ours a 500 gallon propane tank will not heat for a whole winter. Actually not even half a winter.
Yes, several weeks later our heating crisis continues. As I type, we are sitting with a propane tank that is less than 15% full (that's 85% empty, but who's counting?). And very little firewood, which would be burned in the way-too-small-with-a-way-too-short-chimney-leading-to-a-smokey-house wood-stove. For simplicity, we call it "Lil Smokey".
We know all too well how Lil Smokey works in arctic temperatures with "polar vortex" winds, because we had the pleasure of living through that just a couple weeks ago. You heard about the polar vortex that took the country by storm, right? Yes, well, we were among those lucky ones you heard about on the news who were without power for several days - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 - to be exact! 5 days! I would tell you of all the details of the storm and all the little crises involved, and how we made it, but it would take a book, and well, I'm planning to write that book, so you'll just have to wait. ;-)
I think it's funny when people are aghast that we don't yet have a back-up generator, or a stock pile of firewood, among various other country "necessities" (we call them luxuries). If you've known us for any length of time, you've gotta know that we like to learn everything the hard way. (okay, just a little sarcasm there). Those people who "move to the country" and do it the "right way", with generators and tractors and snow plows and oodles of firewood....they're in a completely different place from us. While "moving to the country" was actually a dream of ours, our experience a pretty nightmarish way of getting there. You know, going through the crash and burn of a small business, having collectors and others squeeze you for every penny, going for weeks without income, having your income then reduced to half what it was before, then having other collectors squeeze another 25% out of that meager half, then bankruptcy, then foreclosure, then eviction...al the while trying to find a rental big enough for a family of 8 that isn't ghetto, and landing on an old "fixer-upper" (putting it nicely), and deciding it is the best option we have. There isn't time, and planning, and foresight. There is "find something", and "hurry", and "get it done", and "livable". When we moved in we literally threw all our stuff into the house and hoped for the best. There was still SO MUCH to do, and it has remained that way. And not the aesthetic stuff most people seem to be doing these days, important health-related things like sealing up walls where mouse nesting is putting ghastly amounts of allergens into the air our very allergy-sensitive kids breathe, or cleaning up our attic that was open to the elements and infested with birds for who-knows how long, or the many other things we've still not had time or funds to complete.
And lest I come across as ungrateful for any of it, please do not misunderstand. I am so very grateful to have a roof over our heads, to have our family together, to be out of the city, and for all the help that got us to where we are. But the story didn't end there, really it was only just beginning. We've had so much turmoil and crisis since moving, it's almost unbelievable. I keep reminding myself our family is still together and we love each other, and that is what is important. Tonight I looked into the eyes of my thirteen-year-old as they were welling up with tears because he is so sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I was able to encourage him with those very thoughts. I don't say, "it's going to be okay", because that may or may not be true. But I do say it won't be like this forever, and our hope is in eternity; because we know God loves us, and we trust Him, and we know one day - even if it isn't until the day we enter eternity - one day, there will be no more suffering, no more pain, no more tears. We trust Him, because we know He is Truth. And we can have peace and joy and hope because we know that Truth. I'm also grateful for the huge amount of help we've had over the last year from friends and family. Looking back at 2013, I can see the huge amount of turmoil, but I also see a lot of love and support and helping hands and prayer. As Brian said recently, "We do certainly get to see the goodness of others through our tumultuous life more than most, and that is a blessing"!
Sometimes it seems you don't have a choice, but I have learned in the last couple years, there is always a choice. It may be that the other options are completely ridiculous, but there are always other options. There is always a choice - even if it is only how you react to a given situation. So as each day begins and I think about my sick kids and this house that is making them so, and our heating crisis, and our lack of emergency preparedness and our overwhelming to-do list...I know that my choice is to keep doing the next right thing, and to make the best of the situation, and to keep trying, and to not give up. My choice is trust God, trust my husband, love my children, and share in the joy of living with them. I pray to God for wisdom, and thank Him that His mercies are new every morning.
Yes, several weeks later our heating crisis continues. As I type, we are sitting with a propane tank that is less than 15% full (that's 85% empty, but who's counting?). And very little firewood, which would be burned in the way-too-small-with-a-way-too-short-chimney-leading-to-a-smokey-house wood-stove. For simplicity, we call it "Lil Smokey".
We know all too well how Lil Smokey works in arctic temperatures with "polar vortex" winds, because we had the pleasure of living through that just a couple weeks ago. You heard about the polar vortex that took the country by storm, right? Yes, well, we were among those lucky ones you heard about on the news who were without power for several days - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 - to be exact! 5 days! I would tell you of all the details of the storm and all the little crises involved, and how we made it, but it would take a book, and well, I'm planning to write that book, so you'll just have to wait. ;-)
I think it's funny when people are aghast that we don't yet have a back-up generator, or a stock pile of firewood, among various other country "necessities" (we call them luxuries). If you've known us for any length of time, you've gotta know that we like to learn everything the hard way. (okay, just a little sarcasm there). Those people who "move to the country" and do it the "right way", with generators and tractors and snow plows and oodles of firewood....they're in a completely different place from us. While "moving to the country" was actually a dream of ours, our experience a pretty nightmarish way of getting there. You know, going through the crash and burn of a small business, having collectors and others squeeze you for every penny, going for weeks without income, having your income then reduced to half what it was before, then having other collectors squeeze another 25% out of that meager half, then bankruptcy, then foreclosure, then eviction...al the while trying to find a rental big enough for a family of 8 that isn't ghetto, and landing on an old "fixer-upper" (putting it nicely), and deciding it is the best option we have. There isn't time, and planning, and foresight. There is "find something", and "hurry", and "get it done", and "livable". When we moved in we literally threw all our stuff into the house and hoped for the best. There was still SO MUCH to do, and it has remained that way. And not the aesthetic stuff most people seem to be doing these days, important health-related things like sealing up walls where mouse nesting is putting ghastly amounts of allergens into the air our very allergy-sensitive kids breathe, or cleaning up our attic that was open to the elements and infested with birds for who-knows how long, or the many other things we've still not had time or funds to complete.
And lest I come across as ungrateful for any of it, please do not misunderstand. I am so very grateful to have a roof over our heads, to have our family together, to be out of the city, and for all the help that got us to where we are. But the story didn't end there, really it was only just beginning. We've had so much turmoil and crisis since moving, it's almost unbelievable. I keep reminding myself our family is still together and we love each other, and that is what is important. Tonight I looked into the eyes of my thirteen-year-old as they were welling up with tears because he is so sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I was able to encourage him with those very thoughts. I don't say, "it's going to be okay", because that may or may not be true. But I do say it won't be like this forever, and our hope is in eternity; because we know God loves us, and we trust Him, and we know one day - even if it isn't until the day we enter eternity - one day, there will be no more suffering, no more pain, no more tears. We trust Him, because we know He is Truth. And we can have peace and joy and hope because we know that Truth. I'm also grateful for the huge amount of help we've had over the last year from friends and family. Looking back at 2013, I can see the huge amount of turmoil, but I also see a lot of love and support and helping hands and prayer. As Brian said recently, "We do certainly get to see the goodness of others through our tumultuous life more than most, and that is a blessing"!
Sometimes it seems you don't have a choice, but I have learned in the last couple years, there is always a choice. It may be that the other options are completely ridiculous, but there are always other options. There is always a choice - even if it is only how you react to a given situation. So as each day begins and I think about my sick kids and this house that is making them so, and our heating crisis, and our lack of emergency preparedness and our overwhelming to-do list...I know that my choice is to keep doing the next right thing, and to make the best of the situation, and to keep trying, and to not give up. My choice is trust God, trust my husband, love my children, and share in the joy of living with them. I pray to God for wisdom, and thank Him that His mercies are new every morning.
When the whirlwind passes by,
the wicked is no more,
But the righteous has an everlasting foundation.
Proverbs 10:25
You will keep him in perfect peace,
Whose mind is stayed on You,
Because he trusts in You.
Isaiah 26:3
I sought the Lord,
and He heard me,
And delivered me from all my fears.
Psalm 34:4 (which doesn't mean we don't face hard times, but we have nothing to FEAR because our hope is in eternity with HIM - praise GOD)
These things I have spoken to you,
that in Me you may have peace.
In the world you will have tribulation;
but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.
John 16:33
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